title: Rewards

author: lisa roquin

rating: pg13

fandom: HP/AtS

character/pairing: Snape/Cordelia

disclaimer: all copyrighted characters and their "universes" belong to their respective authors, writers, creators, production companies, producers and long lists of people that are so very much not me. Quite simply, if you recognize it, it isn't mine. No profit made, no harm intended, just having fun.

summary: erm...snarky fluff?

author's note: Holiday wishlist fic for echo ( <lj-user="spankerella"> )

"You've got to be kidding me. A dungeon." Cordelia looked around. "Years of migraines and shoes ruined with demon sludge and this... this is the start of my reward. A dungeon."

Cordelia walked toward the shelves. "Oh, ewww."

"Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"Hellooo, little stick isn't going to do much. I'm not a vampire. I'm not even solid." Cordelia swiped her hand through the wood of the shelf, carefully avoiding the large jar of some sort of eyeballs.

"There are spells that can be used on ghosts."

"Oh puh-lease. You know a spell for hair cleaning? That might be more useful." Cordelia snapped. "Please don't tell me you're this Severe Snake guy I'm supposed to play fairy godghost too."

"Fairy godghost?"

"The Powers that Be decided you warranted your own...whatever. You're one of the most important warriors for the light in taking down some moldy guy. So I got sent here to help you out after I died. The PTB's warped idea of a membership rewards program."

"I am to believe an American who seems to have an aversion to being properly dressed is a reward from the Powers that Be...whatever they are."

Cordelia snorted. "This dress cost eight hundred dollars...or would have if it I bought it. Nice thing about being a ghost-type whatever is that can think up whatever clothes I want. And you sooo have no business casting any fashion snark at anyone. You look like a deranged monk trying to dress goth. And that hair... I've killed less disgusting things."

~*~*~

"You're just going to look like an idiot." She huffed. "No one can see me but you."

"Aren't I the lucky one?" Severus sneered. The hapless Hufflepuff first year who dared to glance in the direction of Hogwarts most frightening teacher talking to himself lost forty points and got a week of detention with Filch.

The apparition of the obnoxious and obscenely dressed American woman had been following him a week now. It had become unbearable. He'd thought if he ignored her enough she would simply get bored and leave. She seemed to have the attention span of the average gnat. Today she was wearing denim trousers that rode low on her hips, exceedingly low in Severus opinion. Witches didn't gad about with their midriff's exposed. The silk camisole top didn't go down to where he thought it should and looked more like an undergarment than outerwear.

"Wonder what get up ol' Gandalf's wearing today. That man has to be colorblind." She wondered aloud when they reached Dumbledore's office.

Severus snorted.

"Oh. My Gawwwd." she gaped. "That is blinding! He soooo does not have the ability to pull off hot pink and chartruese. Anyone that ever thinks they can pull off that combination needs mental help."

Severus choked. Dumbledore's robes were rather blinding.

"Severus, come in, come in. Are you feeling well?"

"Quite, Albus, though I seem to have acquired a...spirit."

"A spirit?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

"Can you say packrat?" she muttered looking around the office. "It looks like some obsessive-compulsive antique dealer on crack went nuts in here."

Severus glared in her direction. "Can you be silent for any length of time whatsoever?"

"Severus--"

"She's here."

"She?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"The--spirit."

"You've a female spirit. Does she have a name?"

Severus clenched his teeth. Albus was amused curse him.

"Is this one of those funky birds that blow up?"

"A phoenix does not blow up it burns." Severus bit out. She looked far too pleased with herself for the comment about the phoenix to be anything less than deliberate baiting. "Do you have a name?"

"Cordelia Chase."

"She says her name is Cordelia Chase. I've exhausted every book I own trying to find a way to rid myself of her presence. Lessons are going to start again in less than two days. She is disruptive, half naked, obnoxious, American and knows absolutely nothing of the Wizarding world. I want her gone."

"A muggle succubus?"

"Uh uh soo not an succubus. As if I'd bump uglies with the greaseball."

Severus glared at her. "I will find a way to hex you."

She rolled her eyes.

"Does she have a reason for being here?"

Severus curled up his lip. "The trollop claims the Powers that Be sent her and she's my fairy godghost."

"I'll trollop your butt into next week, Snarly." she snapped into his direction.

"Ah, Ms. Chase, I presume?"

"I thought you said I was the only one that could see you."

"You're supposed to be the only one that sees me. He's got a special permission cause he'll put you in a rubber room."

"A what?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Your Moldy guy got part demonized so the PTB have taken an interest in your little mojo war. He's one of the champions. I got sent to him. So far it's boring,+ miserable and gross."

"Voldemort has harnessed demon power?" Dumbledore said the twinkle dimming in his eyes for a moment.

"Yep."

~*~*~

He was well and truly stuck with her. Albus was entirely opposed to sending her away by any means.

"Hey, Sev, this little snot has a cheat sheet." She called out from the Slytherin side of the classroom pointing at Edward Goyle, who was more moronic than his elder brother Gregory. The dangers of inbreeding certainly showed in the Goyle intellect.

At least she had a few uses.

~*~*~

"Oh crap!"

"How eloquent," he managed. "Where were you?"

"Albus-"

"Meddling old fool. Can you bring the potions from my desk here."

"You need to see that Pompom gal and get patched up."

"Pomphrey." Severus corrected. He was certain she mispornounced the names on purpose by now.

Three months, three summons. SHe'd at least discovered she could move small physical objects. Though he'd wished it hadn't been a book aimed at his head when she had made that discovery the month before.

"Damn it! You need more than a couple potions!" she snapped.

~*~*~

"Minerva thinks I've lost my mind," Severus told her as he carefully added the willowbark to the pain potion intended for Pomphrey's stores. Classes had been out all of a week now. He'd gotten used to answering her as there was no one around. He'd bee caught speaking to absolutely nothing four times now by Minerva.

He'd gotten used to her constant chatter and rather snide wit. And unbelievably she seemed to actually be somewhat concerned what happened to him if one was to judge by the screeching and carrying on every time he returned from a summons.

"Minnie needs to get laid. Maybe you should make Gandalf some Viagra."

"Dare I ask what--no I don't want to know. I can guess." Severus glared at her. "You are perverse."

She smirked. "You need to stir three more times. I thought you were supposed to be good at potions making."

Severus growled.

~*~*~

Voldemort was dead. Potter, snivelling little waste of magic that he was had actually managed to kill the Dark Lord. A rather ignoble death...not by some grand duel but by Potter having a hissy fit and letting loose an uncontrolled blast of raw magic after Voldemort had cast the Cruciatus on the youngest Weasley boy.

Cordelia had faded away in front of his very eyes only minutes later. In the week since he'd not seen nor heard anything of her. It was unbearable after well over a year of her obnoxious grating presence. She'd even followed him into the shower more than once--for the sole purpose of pouring half of a container of shampoo over his head.

It was too quiet. Too...

He threw his empty glass into the hearth, getting no satisfaction from the destruction of it he grabbed the half empty bottle of firewhiskey and threw that as well.

"PMS much?"

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" Severus roared. She was there. Truly there...he ignored Minerva's gasp and Albus' chuckle, barely realizing either were there.

"The PTB kept up their end of the deal and revived me, in Los Angeles. Naked. It took some doing to get here. They just don't go for naked supposed to be dead women running around LA kinda surprising when you consider all that does go on there and no one notices but hey, just my luck. No one was where they used to be. I had to call Giles and that was really hard to explain. Hey, guess what I'm not dead anymore but I'm in the Orange County Jail for public indecency."

"You're always indecent," Severus snorted.

Minerva gasped.

"I'm alive, they can see me now. And I can smell you now. What did you do bathe in liquor the last week? Whew. Shower mister. NOW."

"You going to join me to make sure I wash my hair?" he snapped back. How dare she be here alive.

"You'd better believe it, mister." She grinned.

Minerva's eyes bugged.

"If you ever disappear on me like that again I will hex you to these chambers so well not even your ghost will leave."

"Come along, Minerva dear," Albus led the Gryffindor Head of House from Severus' chambers, chuckling. "Don't wear each other out too much, there is an award ceremony in the morning. Severus is getting the Order of Merlin first class. See that he's presentable, Ms. Chase."

"See ya Gandalf, Minnie," Cordelia waved not taking her eyes off Severus.

"You're really here? Alive?"

"Yeah, I am," she grinned.